Tag Archives: depression

Another night smoked to the filter.

I take a lot on. With my team we have a ton of projects we’re doing at once. Myself I’m spearheading six of them. Three of which are priorities. And I’m working on them at least some of every day. And they are very time consuming. But despite how important they are and despite just how much work it all is. I know they could have been done yesterday, if I wasn’t so damn depressed.

Depression is not something which comes and goes. It has no cure. It has no spark which triggers it.

Me and my girlfriend are financially stable enough to have the bills paid, but not stable enough to grantee food in the refrigerator. But this doesn’t trigger me. I’ve been homeless before. It sucks. But life will find a way, or I’ll find a way to bottom it out and ride the storm. We’ve had so many set backs, but so much potential. Everyday more people notice our films and we’re gaining traction.

But all I can focus on is the setbacks. I’m always facing forward but being pulled back. I sit at my desk and I scrub through an hour of footage and I snip here and cut there and then I stare at it and I feel the chair sinking into the ground. The room getting darker and I just don’t know what I am doing anymore. I can’t control myself.

I have pills. I have tens of friends who would tell me it will be OK, that we’re doing great. Most would say we’ve already made it! (which we haven’t) and my girlfriend is my rock and I have two adopted brothers who support me through the darkest nights whether I ask them to or not. I don’t know what I would do without these people and still there is nothing any of them can do to change the chemistry of my brain. If I wasn’t so damn determined to live this life I’d curl into a ball and die right now.

We will make it. We will get this movie made. These projects will see light of day. We’re entertainers, it’s what we do. I will finish what I have started. Just have to get through these dark patches. Maybe not unscathed. But alive.

Nothing can stop me. Not even myself.

Just need to keep repeating that.

Just keep repeating that.

Dis guy’s lament. Pay no attention to it.

It’s hard to keep excited sometimes, the more you push and the more life pushes back. The film world is notoriously hard to break into – unless you know someone – and so many close calls to success, deals in place that fall apart before they close, and all of the turmoil that comes with trying to lead the double life of no cash independent filmmaker and regular 9 to 5 worker drone. It’s tiring. I sometimes wonder if being clinically depressed makes this a poor career choice. It would be all too much if not for our small but devoted following.

The few fans we have that support us, no matter what, is reinforcement that we’re doing something right. Just not getting enough exposure. I could blame a lot of it on being stuck in the North East of England, but that would be belittling, as while it’s very difficult to rock this boat much, it can be done, people have done it in the past, found a channel to shout into and been whisked away to success. The area is still a dead zone as who stays after they’ve made it?

We do so much with so little here. We have so much going for us, and nothing to do with it. One step forward and two steps back. It’s almost too much. But regardless of how much it hurts and how long the struggle. Nearly ten years on and I’m still committed completely. Committed is a good choice of words as sometimes I feel like I need to be locked up as I’m crazy as hell.

It can feel very lonely. And it’s easy to second guess yourself. When you try your hardest to make something and you release it and so few people see it, it’s crushing. Instead of appreciating the few good reviews you get, you long for a bunch of bad ones just to know people are watching. It’s hard to look at other people’s work and not be resentful. Sure there is a lot of amazing stuff out there. But there is a lot of terrible stuff too.

But there again, good and bad is in the eye of the beholder and those same people I think so little of, most likely, think the same of me.

This is just how it is. Some people toil in obscurity, some magnificently talented and overlooked and others rightfully so. While others can achieve their dreams without so much as a lick of sweat because of circumstance. Again, who am I to judge? Everyone deserves to get their chance to be doing what they want to do. So I can’t be negative about those who get further than me. Plus it would be ignorant to assume I know they’ve gone through less struggles than me. I may only be seeing the tip of their iceberg.

Isolated and overlooked. It’s difficult to push on. Am I doing right? Am I wasting my time? Am I talented? Am I forgettable? It would depend on who I ask. Even my mirror gives me mixed responses. But someone likes what I’m doing. My team appreciates everything I do. And those few fans that keep sending me a few kind words now and then. You keep me going. Regardless of how dark the road ahead looks.

Thank you.

I’ll keep trying my best to entertain you.

  • Hank.