Another night smoked to the filter.

I take a lot on. With my team we have a ton of projects we’re doing at once. Myself I’m spearheading six of them. Three of which are priorities. And I’m working on them at least some of every day. And they are very time consuming. But despite how important they are and despite just how much work it all is. I know they could have been done yesterday, if I wasn’t so damn depressed.

Depression is not something which comes and goes. It has no cure. It has no spark which triggers it.

Me and my girlfriend are financially stable enough to have the bills paid, but not stable enough to grantee food in the refrigerator. But this doesn’t trigger me. I’ve been homeless before. It sucks. But life will find a way, or I’ll find a way to bottom it out and ride the storm. We’ve had so many set backs, but so much potential. Everyday more people notice our films and we’re gaining traction.

But all I can focus on is the setbacks. I’m always facing forward but being pulled back. I sit at my desk and I scrub through an hour of footage and I snip here and cut there and then I stare at it and I feel the chair sinking into the ground. The room getting darker and I just don’t know what I am doing anymore. I can’t control myself.

I have pills. I have tens of friends who would tell me it will be OK, that we’re doing great. Most would say we’ve already made it! (which we haven’t) and my girlfriend is my rock and I have two adopted brothers who support me through the darkest nights whether I ask them to or not. I don’t know what I would do without these people and still there is nothing any of them can do to change the chemistry of my brain. If I wasn’t so damn determined to live this life I’d curl into a ball and die right now.

We will make it. We will get this movie made. These projects will see light of day. We’re entertainers, it’s what we do. I will finish what I have started. Just have to get through these dark patches. Maybe not unscathed. But alive.

Nothing can stop me. Not even myself.

Just need to keep repeating that.

Just keep repeating that.

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